Back and Looking Better Than Ever
I am a vicious bitch. And I'm okay with it...really. I know I'm a bitch because I can't sit through a drag show without making fun of all of the queens. Sometimes, there is a good one...and sometimes, there is not. I think I like the UGLY ones the best! Maybe I'm just jealous. What do you think?
Rule of thumb #1: If you are an ugly man, you will usually make
an ugly womyn. This is the most important rule, in my opinion. If people
look at you and want to throw up as a man, no amount of makeup is going
to turn you into Cher. Get real.
Rule of thumb #2: Don't buy your wig on the 75% off Halloween sale at Dirt Cheap. It's crooked, it's made of plastic, it's ugly. Not to mention you've parted it wrong.
Rule of thumb #3: Salvation Army is a nice place to shop, but don't visit the Prom Dress 1982 section. That pink curtain you're wearing makes me laugh out loud...and point. Sorry.
Rule of thumb #4: I don't care where your penis goes, so don't talk about it. Hearing about how hard it is to sit with your "member" up your butt is really not good cocktail (no pun intended) talk.
Rule of thumb #5: If you have a penis, you shouldn't be allowed to use the wimmin's room. I don't care if you're wearing 5 inch stilettos and glittery eyeshadow...if you have a penis, you're gonna pee on the seat. And I don't know where your pee has been so I don't wanna sit on it!
Rule of thumb #6: Breasts should be made from soft things...hence the word "breast," which is latin for soft. Well, not really...but it sounds good, doesn't it? Make your breasts from pudding in a condom. When I hug you...if you hurt my breasts, I'm gonna rip yours off. Capice?
Rule of thumb #7: Telling the same bad jokes over and over and over is a sin. It was funny the first time, but each additional time added checks to your "I'm going to kick your ass after the show" list and you're almost through.
Rule of thumb #8: Don't point out a straight couple and say "Are you straight?" First off, it scares them. Second off, it makes them want to deny something as awful as heterosexuality and makes them make out with the nearest gay people. Wait...make sure he's near me next time, ok?
Rule of thumb #9: If you are so tall that you must duck to get into the bar...you're too tall. Wimmin are not that tall, even in 5 inch heels. Our average height is 5'4", and don't forget it! (Though I am an unaverage 5'11" ...and don't forget that!)
Rule of thumb #10: Don't borrow dresses from your roommate without asking. She goes to the show to see you and when she sees that black venetian blind dress on your ass, she might just walk up and rip it off of your Diva self and leave you in your bra and stockings, trying to come up with a good joke. Ask before borrowing.
And those are the rules. Follow them and we'll get along just fine.